I wonder how many people find themselves angry, frustrated, disappointed, and burned out because they have lowered their standards in relationships with other people? Recently, we made some decisions to help someone out who was struggling with his own family relationships. This person’s standards & values were not the same as our family. Trying to live in the same home environment was difficult at best. It was a mistake that was made from a place of compassion and concern; however, it was a mistake. This had a negative effect on behaviors and emotions in the household.
While I think everyone started out with the best of intentions…somewhere along the line…things became unbalanced and in doing so, became enabling to some pretty negative behaviors. I think that I have come to the decision that a person must be vigiliant about their personal boundaries, with regards to expectations with the relationships in your life. Taking control again of your life and resetting your boundaries, or expectations, feels good.
At some point, you must let go of your expectations and allow that person to either move on and fly on their own power…or, get used to feeling like you are not being respected or treated appropriately. The last option is not healthy for anyone on either side of the coin.
Lowering your standards or expectations to “help” another individual even temporarily; can have ill effect on your relationships, your job performance, your emotions, your health, and even your self-esteem. I am not advocating someone to be rigid or inflexible towards others; but, only to say, do not compromise your own personal belief system or values while trying to help them.
The reason for this is that people will not necessarily conform to your values even if you are “helping” them. If they feel pressured to change then they will feel controlled. If their negative choices or behaviors start to affect your quality of life…then resentment sets in. It is best at this point to step back, and re-evaluate whether that person really wanted help at all; or simply, wanted a safety net.
How much better would it be to communicate openly and honestly about expectations and boundaries before commitments are made? Not everyone operates under the same rules of engagement when it comes to levels of honesty and communication. You must for your own well-being, live with your boundaries firmly in place; there is nothing wrong with having boundaries in relationships, it is what keeps things healthy. People must have some sense of balance in their relationships for them to work in a healthy way. Be aware, be well, be healthy in your relationships!
.gif)
Hi, you are absolutely right. Let me share something. I have been in abusive marriage for 17 years. I wanted to help , I felt sorry for him, I found excuses for his behavior until he completely killed any self-confidence I had and made me to question every step I took. When I finally start to set some boundaries it was too late. He is sure I am not capable to be without him…….
Do not let anyone tell you who you are and do not make excuses for any abuse because you want to help the person.
I am slowly regaining my freedom and self confidence with knowledge that I spent 17 years “helping” person who deserved my attention the least.
With Love
Lucia
Hello, Rainy!
Even though you and I live in different states, you seem to be able to peek into my life and know just when to offer a post that hits home. This one hits a wound so fresh I dare not say more than “thank you” and remind you how grateful I am that there is YOU.
In the absence of my own mother, you fulfill that role in some ways. I so appreciate that about you.
Hugs
Connie