It seems that times are tough financially, both for the man & the woman, and the ex-wife feels the need to move over 1,000 miles away to the state of Florida where she will live with her family to make ends meet.    They are about to lose their home.  There is not enough money to live on.  So she is making a plan that she feels is a good one.  But her children are young, ages 6 & 9.  I can’t help but wonder, don’t the children need more interaction, than 3 hours a week, with their father…ONLINE?

        Some people would say, well…why doesn’t the father move to Florida as well?  It seems he just had cancer surgery.  And in my opinion, if neither the mother, nor the father, is financially stable…how is it that either of them will find the finances to get set up to communicate digitally if they don’t already have the equipment or the software.  That all costs money. 

         Can a parent meet the emotional needs of their children stictly by being online at the same time?  Is it enough interaction to chat with your children?  Is the Skype program going to replace physical hugs, going places together, putting them to bed at night, joining them in their after-school activities?  Nothing against Skype but, it lacks the physical component of parenting in my opinion.  I can’t imagine a mother or a father thinking that this kind of visitation is “enough” in a long term situation. 

       Are the co-parenting responsibilities and priviledges going to be able to be satisfactory?  Will one parent end up with more of one and less of the other?   Will the children feel abandoned or cheated?  I wonder if there will be enough of an opportunity for natural bonding to be maintained in this type of arrangement.

         Was there NO OTHER ALTERNATIVE than moving so far from the children’s father?  No other affordable place to live in NY?  No other job that would increase the family’s financial situation?  Maybe we weren’t told all of the pertinent information regarding the situation that the family is facing.  Still, I wonder for any parent; father or mother, is digital visitation enough when it comes to parenting your children?   What do you think?

Allegedly there are even more sound bites from these audio recordings that have equally disturbing comments from Mel Gibson. In the past, he has been accused by some as having made disturbing comments about Jews when he was arrested.  It was said in reference to those statements, that he was under the influence.  Others would argue that what is in the heart bubbles to the surface when that person’s inhibitions are loosened up from drugs/alcohol.

This past year has seen Mr. Gibson separate from his wife of 30 years, Robyn only to publically engage in his relationship with Ms. Oksana Grigorieva.   They had a female child, Lucia, together and it is alleged by Oksana that Mel Gibson physically assaulted her by hitting her in the face, while she was holding their daughter, causing physical harm to Oksana; as well as threatening to burn down her residence. 

 Mel is now being investigated for domestic violence by law enforcement.  A tallent agency has stopped representing him in the last week as well after Mel supposedly made disparaging remarks about hispanics whom he allegedly called “wetbacks”.  His personal reputation is going through some rapid changes.   He has been a successful actor in the box office for years earning kudos from the entertainment world and from fans alike. 

These audio tapes, if proven to be his voice, are not going to help Mel Gibson dispell the impression that he is guilty of domestic violence when the tone of voice, that is alleged to be him, states the Oksana looks like a whore, has fake breasts and that she dresses in a provocative way; the male voice goes on to say that if she is attacked and raped by a pack of (N-word insulting name for African Americans) then she DESERVES that. 

No-one deserves to be raped EVER by ANYONE; and I think, if he did make those statesment that it will be hard to regain any semblance of respect from people who believe as I do that it is wrong to say such things as well as to believe it.   Also, the voice on the tape seems to dismiss Oksana by saying things such as I do not trust you, I don’t love you and I don’t want you; these are meant to tear down and diminish the context of their relationship.  It was a relationship that would not be condoned by the church because it was outside of a marriage situation; still, he chose to indulge in a relationship with her so to talk in such a way about her is insulting on many levels.   Whoa, talk about offensive!

I mean, obviously she was a good enough woman to have sex with; as evidenced by the birth of their child.  He was attracted to her enough for that.   He stepped outside of his marriage to have the relationship with Oksana.   Yet, in the same vein, she is a whore; beneath contempt evidenced by his alleged words.   These are the mixed up thoughts of a man who has not come to the understanding of the wholeness of an intimate relationship.  I mean, you can’t have sex with a person outside of marriage and condem them without also condeming yourself.  If she is a whore…then what makes him any different than her?  Is this self hate that he is directing at her because he can’t sort it out in his own head?  You have to wonder if his relationship with Oksana is the only illicit relationship that he has indulged in; maybe guilt is eating him alive.

How do you go from being in a marriage of over 30 years; to starting a new relationship with a woman who is not your wife, while still married and with whom you create a child; and then espouse your intense dislike and disrespect for that same person in such a way as to try to demean them as a person and as a woman.   Inflicting alleged verbal, emotional and physical abuse upon them for the very acts that you willingly engaged in; when you yourself are a willing participant in the relationship, is a difficult concept for people to understand.  If one is at fault, then both is at fault in the eyes of God, unless it is a forced sexual contact.

Emotions are very convoluted…mixed up with lust, anger, resentment, sadness and loathing not to mention guilt and embarassment.   The conscious is a complicated thing; when people go against their own moral or religious values to give in to sin or temptation…the spirit rebels.  Words and actions start to conflict with one another and it causes breakdowns in interpersonal relationships.   The conscious is inside each of us to keep us from wrongdoing…it is a tool.  When we disregard the very core of our beings and choose to step outside of what we believe is right/wrong we end up punishing ourselves and others in ways that we don’t understand.

This is one loaded audio recording: if indeed Mr. Gibson said, let alone thought any of these things.   Then, it is indicative of a man eaten alive by a corrosive hate for not only those who are different from him by race or by being born female, as well.  Let’s remember, Oksana is the MOTHER of his child as much as Robyn is; although Robyn had every moral and legal right as his wife to have the fullness of marriage by having intimate relations with him and giving birth to his children.   Eventually Mel and Oksana’s young daughter Lucia will grow up and read of his rantings and judgements.   On the other side of things, Mel already has children, from his marriage, old enough to read and understand his words and deeds.   These kinds of words and actions are destructive to family relationships.   What must Robyn or his adult children think of his behavior…his thoughts, his words and his mindset?   Mel is still their father but they too must be trying to sort out this confusing circumstances.

Mel appears to be a man of conflicting images.  He is on one hand professionally praised by other actors and actresses and co-workers.  But, don’t you have to wonder how they feel, hearing of his feelings about women, race relations and appearances?  He was known for years as a family man to the public.   He was known for his Catholic beliefs.   He was a benefactor for children and agencies that helped them.  Yet, in the last few years he has had issues that have festered to the surface in public and in private.  Who is the real Mel Gibson?

It is just my observation but, Mel comes across to me as a man who is embroiled in inner conflicts that he does not know how to resolve.  A husband, father, family man/a man who was allegedly involved in a romantic relationship outside of his marriage vows, a good Catholic/yet a man who openly hates Jews (Jesus was a Jew), An actor and director who works with women in the entertainment industry who often dress provocatively for movie roles and for publicity; and, people of all skin colors and various religious beliefs, both behind the scenes and in film roles on the screen. 

People who are tormented with hatred of others, simply because of their own intolerence for people who are different from them, are the most miserable people.  Their intense dislike of others is caustic and hard to rally support for except from like-minded people who are also filled with judgement and hatred.  Usually there is also a large supply of self- hatred underneath it all which is masked by self-medicating behavior with drugs, alcohol, cutting or self maiming physical behavior, suicidal thoughts or actions, or promiscuity; all of which are self destructive.  

What is needed is a healing of the physical, emotional and spiritual person.  Someone who fills up on hate or self destructive behaviors is someone who is trying to fill up empty spots or voids in their lives.  They don’t know how to heal and often will need professional help; such as legal intervention, sometimes medical help such as medication, psychological evaluations and treatment, and spiritual guidance which focuses on positive guidelines for building up an attitude of love, encouragement and peace.  Someone who has been indoctrinated since childhood with hate may require long term intervention before they are able to accept not only themselves but others on an equal footing or at least in an unconfrontational way of life.

A person’s legacy is a very important thing.  It doesn’t matter if you are a celebrity or not;  we alone determine the kind of legacy that we leave this earth with; by our thoughts, our actions, and by the way we make others feel.    We live such a short time on this earth so why spend it in turmoil, unhappiness, anger and violence.  Life is so much more rewarding when people find ways to live in peace, harmony, and love.  If you or someone you know is imploding from hatred in their heart and mind…please find help before you destroy yourself or others.

      This is not ok.  The reason that it is not ok is because our country is increasingly finding out that our kids are in trouble.  They often have relationship issues, drug/alcohol abuse issues, eating disorders, trust issues and more.   Many of their role models have not been good ones; and finding good leadership for them to learn from is difficult.  Teen years are challenging at best when it is natural for them to try to discover who they are and what freedoms they can enjoy.

       They are in trouble in school, at home, out with their friends, in trouble with the law, they are isolated, angry, hurt, sad, frustrated, fearful and many are finding it hard to trust anyone or anything to be there for them.  Yet at the same time, there is resistence or open rebellion when it comes to accepting advice or rules meant to help them, keep them safe and meant to guide or direct them.  This not only creates difficulty in having a healthy, loving and respectful relationship between parent and child it also puts the child/teen at risk of being influenced by others who have no real vested interest in making sure that the child/teen is happy, healthy, productive and well-balanced in their life.

       One of the situations that came to my attention was a situation in which a school in the US runs a health clinic.  At the beginning of the year, a parent signed a consent form allowing the child/teen to go to the clinic if the need arose for treatment.  This would have allowed that student to receive care for a headache, a physical, birth control, and a multi-tude of other services.  One of those other services appears to be pregnancy counseling and get this…the facilatation of setting up and transporting the student off school grounds to receive an abortion-without informing or getting the consent of the legal parent of said student.   This did in fact happen, a student was put in a taxi from my understanding of the news report and sent off to receive an abortion.  Evidently by signing that generic consent form this “allowed” the high school student to receive such services.   This is outrageous; it is not like that student had a hangnail removed…this student made a life altering decision; one that will impact her physically, spiritually and emotionally…without parental involvement.

       That is or should be unacceptable to most families.  It is as if the school assumed a superior level of authority over the parents in an area of life that should have been left up to the student, her parents, the student’s boyfriend and his parents and if they could not handle the situation then, and only then, maybe the court system.  

        Parental rights and parental authority are under attack in this country.  We see it at every level of society from commercials on television and radio, to the internet, to entertainment such as music videos, movies, and television shows…the parents are made out to be interferring, control freaks, laughable buffoons to be made fun of, and if at all necessary someone to distance themselves from.   Yet when kids get out of control behaviorally, emotionally or physically…many other venues from the schools, to law enforcement to businesses want the parents to “handle or correct” the situation with their children/teens.   You can’t expect parents to be an authority figure to their kids if you are putting down, reducing the effects of parental authority/control, or are in some way ridiculing parental involvement in their kids lives.  

       It is hard when parents are often told how they can and cannot discipline or correct their children.  The respect for parental authority is challenged in court and in the classroom.  It doesn’t help when many families are broken or in fact have never formed legally in the first place.  Kids get conflicting sets of rules and expectations and often in those situations are told by whatever person in authority over them at the time tears down or directly tells the child/teen that they do not have to listen to or respect the other parent’s rules or expectations if they differ from their own.

       In the news also is the case of a father who took his child to church against the wishes of the mother.  When the mother and father were together they agreed to raise the child in the Jewish faith.  When the parents were no longer together…the father decided to go back to his Christian faith and take his child to court.  Now the court says he can not expose the child to his faith.  Who has more authority with the child; the mother, the father, or the court.  Evidently the court does.  

        This is why in previous generations there were warnings about “mixed marriages” when it came to beliefs or what the old timers called being unequally yolked or joined together.  It is hard to have a respectful blending of beliefs and raise children in those kind of relationships.  Can it be done?  It seems only if the couple agrees to expose them to differing viewpoints…because in this particular case, the court says no, the father may not take his child to his church to educate the child about his beliefs.   Is this right or wrong?

        I have a friend who has a special needs child who is in his 30′s who lives in an assisted living type of home.  That individual developed some complications with his health years ago and almost died.  The parent in that situation had to fight tooth and nail to keep authority over the medical treatment of her son.  Again this past week, her parental authority was challenged.  

        The doctor in charge wanted to medicate her child to battle some health issues that a lifestyle change would also help to fascilitate his return to health.  It looked as if the powers that be would escalate the struggle to the next level and would have even gone beyond harsh words and a pushy agenda in gaining the upper hand in who was in control over the medical decisions regarding the young man.   The parent had to push to “temporarily” removed him from the environment and stressed that the same goal of reducing the health risk to her son could be achieved by changes to his diet and exercise plan on a daily basis.   This is going to come down to what they can achieve and the documentation of her approach.  If it doesn’t work the way that the parent knows to be true; then the facility will try to enforce their plan of medication which in his case can have an extremely dire affect upon his health because of the side effects.

         All of these situations and more every day are jeparodizing the importance of the role that parents play in shaping the lives of their children.  We who have children have to step up to the plate and demand that we be given the opportunity to raise our children to the best of our ability with full legal, moral, physical and spiritual authority; unless we prove that we are not capable of handling that authority.  Parental authority/parental rights should only be challenged or threatened in cases of abuse/neglect/or endangerment.

        What are your thoughts on this subject?  Do you have an experience that you would like to share?

          It is a sad day, first Farrah Fawcett passed away this morning and now Michael Jackson has been hospitalized.  Michael was supposed to go on tour for the first time in years starting in July.   I am thinking of his children that he had with the surrogate all of those years ago; what will happen to them?  Will the birth mother have any legal standing to get custody of those children if the worst happens to Michael?   Will update soon.

Update:  Cnn says that The Associate Press and The Los Angeles Times are reporting that he has died.  Cnn has not confirmed this report.     If this is true…it is very sad indeed.  There will be many who will focus on the negative…but out of respect…lets just let the man’s passing be reflected on at this time; if it is true.  He was a gifted man musically and he has had alot of fans over the years as well as detractors. 

ABC news is also reporting that Michael Jackson has died at the age of 50.  Rest In Peace Michael.

         I have listened to news reports that have made a mockery out of the trauma that they are going through by covering each and every mundane thing that they do together and seperately with the children.   It is unfortunate, but this happens to millions of families around the world every day; it isn’t meant for public consumption.   Lately,the media reports was all about suspected infidelity and book tours.  Now in the last week or two, “the announcement” of a life changing decision was used to build up suspense for the weekly show.  For real, people…doesn’t it feel a little like being a spectator for a disaster?  Waiting and wondering how things are going to unfold, who will come out a survivor, and then, what paths each individual will take on their journey if, this all ends badly? 

         What started out as a show of entertainment and a way to support their family has consummed them.  The publicity has to have turned into a kind of sword that now is only causing more pain.   I can’t help it, i wouldnt watch the show….not because they are not interesting, not because i have taken sides with one or the other of the couple…but, merely because I do not consider this to be entertainment…i happen to think that by watch the show we are actually becoming part of the problem and hurting them as a family.  Please, let them heal in their own way…out of the eyes of the viewers.

         Kate’s own brother and sister in law are begging people to stop watching the show out of concern for each of the family  members.  I am sorry, but Jon and Kate Plus Eight is no longer entertainment…it is a family tragedy!  There are people who love and care about what happens to each of them and this is painful to watch.    Are we going to be forced to hear in the media of divisions of their property, custody issues over the children, visitation difficulties and blending of families sometime into the future of this family when and if they decide to move on with other relationships?  Really, can’t we all just stop paying attention in this obsessive way and respect them enough to let them work out family issues in private to minimize damage to one another, the children and the friends and extended family members?    Should people watch or stop watching this show; what is your opinion?

Redmond has been sitting in jail awaiting court proceedings because of drug charges.  It is alleged that he was arrested for heroin possession at a jail facility where he was picking up/dropping off a friend.  He goes to court this week; but prior to that…this past Saturday, a judge allowed a three hour visit with his mother, Farrah who is ill.  It is possible that Redmond will be allowed to go back into rehab.  It is being said, that those in custody, in jail, are occasionally allowed supervised visits when a family member is seriously ill, or when there is a death in the family.  Spokespersons are saying that Farrah is no worse  health-wise, then when she was hospitalized in recent weeks.

My feeling is that this visit was allowed because whether Redmond is allowed back into rehab, or he is sentenced to more jail time for possession of drugs…he would be housed further away from his ill mother; making visiting her difficult, should her circumstances change during that time.

I wonder, how bittersweet was the moment of the visit.  Surely, Farrah was thrilled to see her son…filled with love and affection; as well as parental concern about his future.  On Redmond’s thoughts you have to wonder…does he understand the weight of the worry that his mother bears about his future?  This has to be extra ordinarily difficult for her; to continue her fight against this disease and, to not be able to physically stand alongside of her child to help him battle his alleged addictions.

The bonds of mother and child are a legendary thing.  Can she communicate how important his well-being is to her?  Will he be able to gain the upper hand in his  alleged struggles with drugs?  Will his battle take him away from his mother when she needs him most?  Redmond is her only birth child…she does have step children with Ryan O’Neal; but, if the media has correctly portrayed the family situation; family relationships are strained with Ryan’s children.  This family is a family filled with talented and passionate people, but they have struggled over the years; the O’Neals have had their public battles; custody issues, divorce, drugs, violence and anger issues.   Celebrity brings public awareness to some of the same issues that plague non-famous families around the world.  Often it is harder to heal those hurts when in the public eye.

The media has sent mixed messages to the public about Farrah’s medical condition.  It is all beside the point; she is definately a fighter.  I can only imagine how difficult that visit must have been…to only have three hours in which to squeeze in the transportation to and from the visit…and have so little time to actually talk and spend quality time together.  There was no time to waste on things of little importance.   One hopes that this is not the last visit that they are able to have with one another.  Addictions are a terrible thing; so is cancer…they both destroy if they go unchecked.  Let’s hope that there is long term healing in store for them both…mother and child.

         Nayda asked him years ago to donate sperm because she told him she had ovarian cancer and couldnt have children the typical way; that she needed the intervention of a doctor to become a mother.   Whether she did or did not have ovarian cancer has not been confirmed publically; if it is not true, then that is a terrible thing to have claimed…ovarian cancer is no joke.   Denis allegedly donated sperm on three different occasions.  At one point, Denis and Nayda broke up.  They went their seperate ways and Denis married and fathered two children.  He says the person that he sees on the news is not the Nayda that he knew when.  He says that she speaks differently, looks differently and never in their time together ever spoke of having a large family; she just wanted to be a mother, according to him.  He loved her and donated because he believed it could be the beginning of a family together.  Denis now believes that Nayda was married during their 3 year relationship.

         Nayda’s spokesperson says that Nayda denies that he is the father and doesn’t know why Denis is doing this.  Nayda’s spokesperson says that the sperm donor who is the actual father is aware that he is the father.  My question is…why doesn’t he come forward then?   Denis wants a paternity test done to determine if he is the father to any of the children.  He says he is willing to help Nayda even if the children aren’t his because he does not believe that she can parent them on her own. 

         Denis says that the Nayda that he knew was fun to be around and was a good person.  He spoke to Good Morning America’s Chris Cuomo in an interview and was choked up as he spoke about the fact that his older son was emotionally impacted by a custody battle in the past.  Denis doesn’t want that for the children that he could have fathered with Nayda.  He says that he only wants to know whether any of the 14 children could be his biological children and offered his help to Nayda….so far, Nayda has failed to accept any offer of help from him. 

         Denis is married and his wife is allegedly not happy about this possibility of his pending fatherhood to Nayda’s 14 children.  However, it would be a great relief to the taxpayers of California to discover who the actual father of the children is…especially if they have the ability to help pay for the care and support of those children who are now allegedly being supported by tax dollars.   

         There is alot of public anger about this whole situation.  Nayda doesn’t have a job, she lives with her parents in a home that is too small for the size of family she has, she doesn’t help her parents financially according to Nayda’s mother, and in fact, Nayda’s mother is about to lose her home because of being in default on her mortgage.   There has been a real outcry in the media by the public taxpayers who don’t think it should be their responsibility to support all of these children that Nayda chose to bring into the world without having an obvious way of supporting them.  In fact, the fertility doctor who allegedly helped Nayda to conceive all 14 of her children is being investigated…many believe him to be guilty of malpractice in this case.

         What are you feelings on this story?  Do you think that by donating sperm for Nayda’s attempts to becoming a mother all those years ago…that Denis has a right to force the issue and demand a DNA test to determine paternity?   I myself do, simply for the fact that it would end the dispute…if he is the father…and is willing to help support them financially and otherwise…then i think it should be done!  If he is the father, then it is not fair to deny him his rights and responsibilities…even though she was allegedly not honest with him about her intentions…if things happened the way he thinks they did.

        It sounds as if  the Pardo’s marriage was one of deceipt.  Mr. Pardo had not disclosed to his wife that he had a child from a previous relationship that he did not see, nor did he help support.  It seems that when this child was a toddler in Mr. Pardo’s care; the child ended up in a pool and almost drowned.  The young child is now around the age of 7 ; but, Bruce Pardo kept this child a secret from his wife.  She discovered that the child existed by going through tax papers and finding out that he claimed the child as a dependent.  He denied the situation and Sylvia called her mother in law who confirmed that a child did in fact exist and was disabled.   She filed for divorce…he did not want it.

       It seems that during this time…Bruce also lost his job and then was ordered, by the court, to pay support to his soon to be ex-wife.  By all appearances…Bruce did his best to follow through on the court’s dissolution of his marriage….yet, all along he planned his revenge on the woman who divorced him and those who were closest to her and helped her to leave him. 

        Bruce rented two vehicles and he had things planned out.  He had an extra large Santa suit made up for him.  It seems that at the annual party, Santa always showed up.  He went to the home with a gift in his hand…when the door was opened by a young 8 year old girl…he opened fire, shooting her in the face.  He then went about shooting and looking for specific people.  After he shot the people he went looking for…he then used a homemade device to set the home on fire; inadvertantly causing himself 3rd degree burns when part of the Santa suit melted into his skin from the incendiary device he used to start the fire.

         People in the home had tried to hide and some were able to flee.  A sister of Sylvia’s escaped to a neighbors with the young 8 year old girl who was shot in the face.  She was able to call 911.  After starting the fire, Bruce Pardo shot out street lights…allegedly to help further his escape. 

         People are speculating that he had plans to shoot his own mother who was planning on attending the Christmas party, at her ex-daughter in laws parents home.  She felt ill that evening and was not able to attend.  Bruce blamed his mother for siding with Sylvia in the divorce.    Also allegedly a possible victim of violence was the divorce lawyer who represented Sylvia.  One of the rental vehicles was sitting near the lawyers home. 

        It appears that Bruce changed his plans after he was burned.  It is thought that he was in great pain.  He allegedly had purchased a plane ticket for Illinois to go there and cross the state line into Iowa to see a friend.  He also had about 17,ooo.oo dollars plastic wrapped to his body.   Instead of implementing those plans…he drove approximately 30-40 miles to his brothers home and broke in and shot himself dead.

         What is hard to understand is; didn’t anyone who knew him or had occasion to spend time with him, during the weeks preceding the violence, see his mental breakdown?  Was he so good at hiding his wrath that he was able to misleed the people in his life?  Or did he isolate himself a this time?

         Those familiar with the divorce situation say that he seemed almost eager to have it over with.  The neighbors say that he was friendly and even wished them a Merry Christmas after telling them he was attending a Christmas party. 

          People who knew him said he was a friendly guy.  They are shocked.  And yet, a close friend of Sylvia allegedly said that Sylvia said he changed almost immediately after the marriage.  He became secretive.  Others say that Bruce had a secret guilt about the child that was gravely injured on his watch.  The mother of the child allegedly says that he was involved when the child was in the hospital; but then…he didn’t visit nor did he support the child.  In fact, he kept the child a secret from many…including his new wife.

         The thing is…people who struggle with mental health issues dont always get the help that they need.  Bruce Pardo needed that kind of help to cope with the feelings that he had from the tragedy that happened to his child.  He needed support and counseling to heal up from the guilt that he most likely felt after the child was injured.  He needed to have pre-marital counseling to help him break the news of this part of his life to his intended wife. 

          Sylvia needed a husband who could share this past with her.  She needed him to seek marriage counseling when their marriage appeared to flounder shortly after it began.  She needed some indication that the man she married was deeply disturbed and capable of such violence.  She needed protection from the man that she fell in love with. 

          Experts will tell you that people who are in a state of flux…or life changes are often the most vulnerable for domestic violence.  This is a dangerous time when emotions are raw and assets or custody rights are at stake.  Passions are running high.  It should almost  be mandatory to have to have some sort of counseling to help people through the maze of emotion and legal wrangling that takes place.

          I can’t help but to think of those that lost their lives and those who were left behind to deal with the aftermath.  God help them.  The things that they saw and heard will live with them for a very long time.  And what about those who weren’t there; but, were directly affected such as Bruce Pardo’s mother or his brother.  What about them?  People need to pray for all of them.  They are not responsible for his actions…and yet, they are directly affected by them as much as Sylvia’s family and friends.  His brother…can you imagine…how will he ever be able to go back into his home?  He has to wonder…why did his brother come there to commit suicide?   His mother…she was obviously friendly with Sylvia and her family; how will she relate to the surviving members?  They are all hurting…will they be able to help support one another or will it be too painful for them to see each other?

          So many questions and so few answers.  The thing is…unfortunately…people who are depressed or going through trauma often don’t think past the moment, about the long term effects of their actions.  It is the survivors that are left to cope with both the questions and the answers.

       Many of the parents who receive child support and have custody of their children say, why should they have to pay an annual fee?  After all, it is costly to raise children; and, if one parent is not paying their share of the support, it is even more financially difficult, for the parent who has custody, to make ends meet.  Ultimately, it is the children who suffer for lack of proper support…both physically and emotionally from the abandonment of the deadbeat parent. 

          Both men and women are guilty of leaving their children in a poverty position by not paying child support.  It is an emotional issue.  Many parents who are no longer together mistakenly think of the money as “being given to the other parent”; that money is needed to support those children.  It is to be spent on the needs of the children.  That means a roof over their head, food to eat, clothes to wear, providing them an education, medical insurance…all of the necessities in life. 

         The child support can’t be thought of in terms of supporting the custodial parent…it has to go, to that parent, to support the children.  If the needs of the children aren’t being provided for…that is when authorities need to be brought in to assess the situation.  But, really, the child support should not be used as a weapon against the other parent; see it as a responsibility to the child/children.

       From the news report I heard, the government has been able to round up quite a few delinquent parents; and, has been able to restore about a billion dollars in back child support.  They do this by taking their income tax returns or lottery winnings…or in many cases…garnishing their wages.  That billion dollar amount is astounding.   If paying an annual fee helps to offset the money it takes to find these parents who don’t pay child support and it makes them financially accountable to help provide for their children…maybe it is a small price to pay.  Why couldn’t the system repay the custodial parent the money out of the funds they recover from the deadbeat parent; after they find them and garnish their wages?

      I know, I know…there are some that disappear again after they are found; they will quit their job, so that they don’t have to pay until the next time they get caught.  The only way to change that is to hit them where they hurt…take away their freedom.  If they skip out after being found…they should automatically do jail time; and maybe, some kind of work program while they are incarcerated; while the earnings go to the children. 

        A commitment to support the children that we bring into the world should be encouraged in a way that helps to provide not only money to the children but a real presence in the lives of the children.  Kids have emotional needs that don’t get met when a parent checks out on them.  The damage can last a lifetime and affect future generations as well.  Parents must be held accountable; parenting isn’t easy, but it is the most important thing you will ever do.

        What do you think about this issue of charging the fee?  Will it be helpful or harmful in the long run?