The thing is, death is permanent.  Suicide is a false solution to their problem.   Problems, even problems that seem overwhelming and beyond a person’s ability to see past it…problems come and go.  Life is full of them…big, small, and in-between problems.   There is hope…but they may need help in seeing it and believing in getting beyond what is troubling them.   However, if a person’s coping skills are influenced by depression, abuse, post traumatic stress, neglect or drug/alcohol abuse then, they may mistakenly think that suicide is a way out.

There is no way around it…destruction is close at hand when a person is to the point of thinking about suicide IF they do not seek professional help to deal with whatever is driving them to this point.  Sometimes, an individual is beyond seeking help on their own power; and a family member, friend or acquaintance is forced to intervene by contacting either a health care professional, a member of clergy or spiritual adviser, or the police in some cases to force a person to seek help.  This is not easy and the laws regarding forcing someone to seek help are different in each state.

It is a hard decision to even consider stepping in.  Most of us don’t want to be put in the position of interfering in another person’s personal life.   In fact, most people will err on the side of caution and allow desperate situations to go on too long.  Out of respect for that person’s privacy we might tip toe around the subject hoping not to offend.  I say it is better to possibly offend a person than to lose them to suicide; if you are wrong and they are not suicidal, you can always let them know that you cared enough about them to risk their upset, rather than risk losing them to suicide.

Still, I bring all of this up because recently it seems that there have been a rash of suicides.  Some of them made the news, some of them were in local communities and some of them affected people that I know.  It makes me sad because there is always a high cost when a person takes their own life; it isn’t only the person who dies who suffers either.

Suicide can affect anyone.  Shock is the most obvious reaction when someone takes their life.  The people who knew them will often say…I had no idea that they were thinking about it.  Suicide can be in the mind of your parent, child, spouse, clergy/spiritual leader, teacher, friend, an isolated elder, neighbor, a member of our military personnel…or, just about anyone who is living or breathing.  Just so you know, it doesn’t matter how much money they have, where they live or who they know…suicide can be lurking in the mind of a person who is having a difficult time in their life.

You see, friends, acquaintances, and loved ones of people who commit suicide suffer terribly in their grief.  They chase their thoughts round in round about what they missed, how they could have helped, what could have been done differently, why they still live when the person who died is gone.  Some even need counseling to deal with their emotions for a very long time.  Many even get to the point where they, too, struggle with finding joy in life because they feel guilty for having moments of joy, laughter, successes or celebrations.

The person who has died does not know this.  They no longer are capable of seeing how their death affects people who are left behind.   Even people in their community who barely knew them.  You see, we all have an impact in this life whether you realize how many lives you touch or not…every life has value.

People struggle in life…we can help those at risk of suicide by trying to be aware of what they are going through.  Most of us are not qualified to help someone through severe depression or feelings of ending it all by committing suicide…but, we can all be more aware of the signs of when someone is in trouble.  We can urge someone to seek medical/emotional/spiritual professional help.  We can be encouragers, listeners and friends.  Get the phone numbers and addresses of counselors, organizations and mental health care providers in your area.  In an emergency, call 911 if you feel someone is in danger.  You might not only save their life…but you might save an innocent bystander as well.

There was a tragic story yesterday of a woman who was involved in an alleged domestic situation where there was great emotional turmoil.  Her Aunt called the authorities after the woman called a family member and said they would all have to forgive her because she was about to do something crazy.  Her children’s father was allegedly cheating on her.  This distraught New York woman, allegedly put her four children into her vehicle and drove two minutes from her home off of a ramp into some water…killing herself and three of her children.  Her fourth child, a ten year old, managed to roll down a window and by a miracle got out of the vehicle alive.  Her very young children never had a chance.  It sounds like law enforcement was there within 17 minutes…but, it only took her two to drive into the water.   What horrible consequences to a temporary situation.

In her apparent desperation, this was her solution to the problem of a cheating spouse.  It made sense to her at the time.  To those of us outside of her situation; we can see how desperate and out of control she had to be to endanger not only herself, but her children’s life.  Whether he really was cheating or not, it doesn’t matter (well it does…but, that is between him and God); but, her belief that he was cheating triggered her suicidal and homicidal response.  This is a tragedy all the way around.

There are survivors…not only the ten year old child who will struggle to have a normal life since he survived and his siblings did not…but there are other relatives, the spouse, the neighbors, the children’s school mates, church members, community members and so on.  This kind of thing leaves a big scar.

I want to share with you information about awareness and the prevention of suicide by printing a link to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Organization.

We live in a time of great stress.  We have wars going on, natural disasters, man-made disasters, terrorism, accidents, financial losses and domestic violence…you get the idea.  Update:  Last night the news shared even more devastating news about the New York mom who drove into the Hudson River with her children in the car.  It seems that after she drove in she realized what she had done was a mistake.  Her 10 year old child said, She kept saying “I made a mistake, I made a mistake”.  This is so sad…but it does illustrate my earlier point…the person in distress doesn’t really want to die or in this case cause others to die…they just want the pain to end.

That show, called Two and a Half Men, has stopped production on their show for the rest of the season; since Charlie has made a public statement on interviews that disparages the producers of the show, television show creator Chuck Lorre, Alcoholic Anonymous, his ex wife, and women in general.   He says horribly vile things about Chuck Lorre and shows nothing but contempt for women, in my opinion, when he says things about women such as he has fame and those women have nothing and that all they will ever have is that night with him and that he will forget about them as soon as they leave.  He says that he is “special” and will never be one of the AA because they are a “bootleg cult”.  Seriously? 

It comes across through many of these examples that he considers himself above everyone else.  He believes that he alone cured his (in his opinion) so called disease with his own mind.  He has made recent statements to the fact that he is in control of his partying.   The truth of the matter is that he couldn’t be more wrong.  He has been in legal trouble for alleged domestic violence, he has had custody issues with his ex-wife who does try to support him in public while at the same time  tries to shield their daughters from the horror of these out of control antics that are harming him physically, emotionally, spiritually,professionally, and financially. His young sons with his second wife are very young…but they will grow up with the legacy of their father’s public displays as well.

People who work with individuals who struggle with addictions will give you all of the facts on how addicts fool themselves into thinking that they are “in control” and the rest of the world is the one with a problem.  Charlie may not live on the streets, he might not be homeless, he might not be stealing to support his habits…but he is in denial about his lifestyle choices and the effect that it is having on those who care about him (meaning his friends and family).

He has children that are growing up; and they are now, and will continue to be affected by his behavior and the choices that he makes.  He has a famous brother Emilio Estevez and then of course, there is his father Martin Sheen they have stepped up and said they continue to love him, support him and pray for him.  He has ex-wives who love him enough to try to work through their issues to maintain some sort of relationship for their children. Who can help an adult who is in a situation such as this? Can he be forced to get help through an emergency order? Is he having some sort of emotional breakdown or is he just acting out because of the damage caused by his partying?  He appears to feel all powerful and that no one has the right to tell him no, or draw a line in the sand regarding his conduct.   He has fans that he asks to support him; even though he is acting in ways that are hard to support.  He wants them to help him fight against the injustice of it all…saying that his fans are his people…not “theirs”.

In response, to the decision of his show stopping production, he slams the powers that be for stopping it…saying that they are keeping money from him, his family, and the crew of the show.   In my opinion however, if they continued to produce the show they would be irresponsible…enablers of a man who seems to be bent on self-destruction.  A week or two ago, there were articles that claimed that Charlie said that he only partied when he was bored and not working.  When he was working, he says, he was fine.   There are consequences to behaviors…and recent pictures of him show him possibly having had his teeth affected by his conduct.

Relationships suffer, professional connections become damaged and finances can become scarce because of a persons addictions.  In his case, this doesn’t just affect Charlie…he has a whole crew that is going to suffer consequences because of this situation.   A professional intervention needs to happen, because even though he says he is clean…that doesn’t mean he is stable.   I say, if he isn’t careful to get medical help, put his rehab knowledge and education to heart, and live addiction free…he is going to be bored to DEATH; and, we will be reading Charlie’s very sad obituary.

That would be a terrible waste of life; how much better to see him find his way to health and wellness and use his experience to help others in the same situation?  People who do not have fame, fortune or money deal with addictions too and the consequences are no less severe for them or their loved ones.

What are your thoughts? Do you love someone who struggles with addictions?  What have you done to survive the ups and downs?  Where did you find help?

However, there are products being labeled as “bath salts” that are powders packed in small tea bag sized envelopes and advertised as legal substitutions; merely to make money.  They are  being sold on the shelves of convience stores, truck stops and head shops all around the country; as well as online.  They are marketed as bath salts, when those who produce these products know full well that they are not being used for that purpose.

Those who produce, market or sell these items should be held accountable for those who have had their lives destroyed by their products. Their intended use is for individuals who are looking for a drug induced high.  Business selling them should be forced to removed them from their stores in my opinion.  In fact, some states & communities are banning their sales…but, we need to increase awareness of this issue; before the use of these products becomes more widespread.

The powders are snorted, smoked or injected.  This product is equal in intensity to meth in it’s effects on the human body and mind.  It can be addictive even when the user experiences terrible effects during usage.  Some people have committed murder, attempted suicide or just gone on a violent, destructive bender while using these products.  Emergency rooms, police and poison control centers are seeing an increase in calls in areas where these products are being sold.

Children and adults can purchase a package of “bath salts” for approximately $20 or so.  Unfortunately these things can be purchased online too.  A parent seeing one of these packages may not realize that it is a drug with very harmful effects.  These products have names like Cosmic blast, Vanilla Sky, Red Dove, White Lightning, Hurricane Charlie, and Bliss or Ivory Wave…they sound like a generic aromatherapy type of product; these packages are anything but.  It is un-believable that this product is allowed to be sold; knowing that lives are being ruined.  These legal substitutes are chemical stimulants designed to achieve a physical/psychological high and are extremely deadly.  They have strong stimulants inside the packages which closely copy the effects on the body like speed or ephedra.

The problem is that these legal substitutes are not something that the DEA regulates.  However, the damage these drugs do is causes dangerous reactions that often produce paranoia, violence and psychological terror that can not only endanger the user (who willingly takes that chance); but also affects anyone who is unfortunate enough to run into someone under the influence of such an un-predictable drug.

Some people abusing these bath salts, have described seeing visions of, aliens, devils or demons and attacking themselves or others because of those visions.  If you see this stuff being sold…report it to the authorities.  If you know someone using these products get them help immediately; report it to a poison control center and get them in to see medical personnel right away before they harm themselves or someone else.  Schools should be prepared for the influence of these products as well by having drug counselors on speed dial.  Educating individuals who are susceptible to the influence of using drugs to escape reality is going to be very important as this trend becomes more commonly known.   Becoming aware of this trend of abusing bath salts could help you spot the danger and help to save  lives.

Bullying is more complicated these days because of the way in which it is done; it is psychological, it is persistent, and it can include threats, violence, or even sexual threats.  Most people over the age of 40 remember the school bully…you know the one.  He/She was the person who everyone feared and gave a wide berth to just because he sought out and picked on those he/she knew for a fact that they could take on and win.  We all have had some relationship to that kind of person.   However, now it seems that there is a group mentality when bullying or persistent harassment starts up.

  Back when i was growing up you had one of two options…ignore that person and stay far away from them or “stand up to them” and work up your courage to go toe to toe.  Remember the childhood phrase that we were all taught…sticks and stones will break your bones but words will never hurt you?  That couldn’t be farther from the truth; we all know that words have the power to destroy a person’s self-worth and the value of that person in the eyes of others.

Everyday it seems that we hear about another child/teen/college student that has been bullied or cyber stalked and trash talked about.  Many of those cases either end in a suicide or a violent attack or even in some cases of extreme bullying…a retribution plan of attack on a school with a violent outburst.  Lives are ruined, hearts and minds are damaged; many individuals end up in prison because of bullying.

 A real danger is people who think that bullying is a normal part of growing up…it isn’t and it should not ever be allowed.  Making excuses and telling a victim of such behavior to just ignore it is equal to nullifying their experience with bullying…which in effect tells them that they are powerless to change their circumstance in a positive way.

There is a hopelessness about our young people.   Many of them, in a desperate need to feel something, are self mutilating, becoming promiscuous,  developing eating disorders, or diving into the world of drug/alcohol addictions in reaction to their feelings about themselves and their lack of proper treatment by others.   They have been conditioned to think that nothing is going to change for the better; so they feel angry, bitter, broken and depressed.

 Don’t fool yourself into thinking that it doesn’t affect you, your children, your grandchildren, or the children in your church or neighborhood.  It does; and things are getting desperate.  Kids feel threatened, they feel demeaned and they feel powerless…so, many of them will arm themselves and things escalate quickly.   This is good for no one.

Respect for themselves as well as others is important to fight bullying.  Finding mentors for our young people is helpful…getting involved in sports or extra curricular activities that give them an appropriate sense of pride in themselves and their involvement.  Community service that gives them a sense of personal value and connects them to others who recognize their strengths and talents.  Inspiring hope and promise for a future is what kids need.  Instead, we often find that our young people aren’t getting those important messages about themselves.

With all of the new technology, kids are able to be “connected” 24 hours a day to not only their friends; but also, to people who wish them harm.  This connection includes cell phones, cell phone pictures, texts, email, chat lines, websites and forums.   Kids live in the midst of a multi-media blitz in their lives in school and at home.  Pay attention to them closely; watch for any changes in behavior, attitude, relationships and moods.  It could be life and death-for them and anyone who is in their lives, personally and socially.

Don’t think, not my child, not my child’s friend or the kids in my youth group.  I’ve worked with kids most of my adult life; for well over 30 years and things have broken down.  Kids, even good ones have low self esteem, they are depressed, frightened and angry.   Many of them don’t feel loved (even when they are), they don’t feel valued, appreciated or listened to.  They feel trapped and alone or isolated…even when they are surrounded by friends and activities.  It is a recipe for disaster not to recognize the patterns or seeds of destruction.

In truth, it makes you want to build a fortress around them to protect them against those who seek them out to do them harm.  So what can a parent, an educator, a spiritual leader, a friend, or a sibling do to help those caught in the web of persistent bullying/stalking?

First of all, pay attention.  Listen closely, monitor things…set limits of exposure online.  Talk to them and their friends about situations of bullying in their school or social networks.  Document any kind of negative interaction…write it down, talk to the school administration, file a report, alert teachers, bus drivers, neighborhood watches to any kind of bullying or violent situations that may come up.  Create a network of awareness and prevention where you can.  Ask your school to bring in safety experts and relationship experts who are trained in these areas of concern. 

Expect there to be resistence from the powers that be.  Many of them will give lip service to the no tolerance rule of bullying…but never, EVER, let them talk you out of filing official reports or grievances.   Often a school will just expell a student for a short time as a discipline…never following up with corrective action such as counseling or conflict resolution.   Leadership must establish methods of dealing with this type of behavior in a constructive way. 

For the victims of bullying or school violence… it may be helpful to have some self-defense training, some skilled training about paying attention to their surroundings and who is in their direct physical environment; making judgement calls about making decisions about where to go and with whom.   Get restraining orders or personal orders of protection if you feel it is something necessary to the physical and emotional well-being of the victim.     In some cases, change schools or even in extreme cases…it is best to even move or send them to live with a relative temporarily-especially if there is gang involvement.   This is no small thing to overcome and you do not want a victim of bullying/violence to become a prisoner to fear in their everyday life.

Does that sound like an over-reaction?  I can assure you that it is not; don’t believe me?  Watch the news, listen to a mother or a father that has lost a child to school violence or bullying; they would do anything if they could go back and do something different.   Or maybe listen to the child who in reaction to the bullying, who took matters into his/her own hands and tried to retaliate only to end up in prison for years or for life.  That ought to convince you that taking drastic measures to protect your child or your family is a good thing.  You see, persistent bullying often spreads and becomes a contagious thing…affecting other family members or sometimes even others in the neighborhood.   It is serious, but things can be done to improve the situation; get good advice from law enforcement or safety experts on the matter.

Ok, remember that I mentioned that some of you wouldn’t make it this far because you think it doesn’t affect you.  These young people who are traumatized, or trained to protect themselves emotionally by closing off normal pathways of emotion, are going to grow up.  They are going to become doctors, lawyers, nurses, teachers and nursing home supervisors, counselors and so on.

If their standards of what is acceptable, in relation to inappropriate levels of behavior have been damaged, are you going to want them caring for your grandchildren in day care, or taking care of one of your loved ones in a hospital or nursing home setting?  If they have learned to accept that kind of treatment in their own life, they surely won’t recognize it as inappropriate behavior in relation to others like yourself.  

Please, love on the youth today build them up and help them to be strong individuals in a healthy way; care for them, listen to them, protect them through legal channels and through school policies.  You won’t regret being proactive in the name of what is right!

        Why do some people do this?  There is little documentation to examine all of the reasons that people/teens/preteens play the choking game (sometimes called other names such as the fainting game); or even how often this “game” is played.

           There is not enough awareness of the problem in society to be watchful of it or the consequences of such activity.  It is thought that some people play this game to get a “high”…because when the oxygen levels drop off, some individuals experience a brief feeling of euphoria while others feel that the experience will add layers of erotic or sexual feeling.   There are others who get involved with the choking game because of a dare or challenge, and still others use peer pressure to get friends or acquaintances involved.  Some challenge others to do the choking game as a form of entertainment because when the person is once again free to breathe normally, sometimes involuntary twitching or muscle movement occurs which they find amusing. 

        The thing is, there is no way of knowing who will die when playing this game, how long it will take for this thing to cross over from just being short of oxygen; to actually causing damage to the person’s well being/health, or causing their death.  This is very dangerous.

        So, what are the signs that someone you know is playing this choking game or fainting game?  First and foremost, not everyone who does it, talks about it or shares it with the people that they are close to.  But sometimes they do, friends talk about it or joke about it…pay attention; it could mean life or death for one of them!  That is why some deaths that occur are thought to be suicide…because individuals who do the choking game don’t always do it with other people around…some people do this game alone.  That is even more dangerous because in the extreme loss of oxygen, the person’s ability to “stop the game” and losen the bonds that are restricting the airflow may be hindered if they pass out or lose consciousness; they could “accidently” kill themselves.

         It is important to look for bruising around the neck, on the eyelids or bloodshot eyes, severe headaches that occur often, unexplained bumps or bruises on the head, glassy eyes or, disorientation after having alone time away from others- acting dazed or confused, hostility in a normally docile person, wearing unseasonable clothing such as turtle neck shirts in warm weather or things that cover the neck.  If you have access to their private room; look for things such as belts or scarves tied to the bed or doorknobs, or anything that wouldn’t normally belong there that would indicate it being used for such purposes such as bungi cords and the like. 

        This isn’t just a kid thing either…it sort of crosses over with some adults who enter into a closely related activity which is erotic asphyxiation.  That is when a person uses the loss of oxygen to amplify their sexual stimulation…this is also extremely dangerous, whether the person doing so is alone, or with a partner.  Just this past year, David Carradine-famous actor, was found dead in a hotel room, in Bankok, Thailand.  He was found in circumstances, which many believe are related to such auto erotic asphyxiation activity; although some believe he may have been murdered, even though some former wives and sexual partners say that he practiced extremely dangerous sexual activities in his private life.

         Regardless of age, using any object to limit the amount of oxygen getting to the brain for a game or sexual pleasure is dangerous and people should be informed of what is at risk.  Parents need to know about this activity to be on the alert to any behaviors that might shed light on the fact that their child or their child’s friends may be participating in such risky behaviors.