Mother’s Day is truly one of those days that has the ability to both bless and curse a person. For those who have been blessed, to have been born to a mother that considers it an honor and a blessing to have children; or, for those women who have children themselves for which they are happy and grateful to have; Mother’s Day is a day to celebrate.
On the other hand, some women have children that they do not wish to have; or, do not deserve to have because they lack the ability or desire to properly care for them. For them, Mother’s Day is basically just another day; they fail to understand the importance of their role, as a mother. Some women are abusive to their children or neglect them…those are mothers who are incapable of meeting the needs of their children; of providing a loving and safe environment to grow up in. Those kind of mothers do great harm; affecting not only their children, but future generations by making their children feel poorly about themselves and mothering in general. It is hard to honor mothers, on Mother’s Day, who abuse; if the relationship is toxic or dangerous then of course, distance must be maintained. Mother’s Day can be a mixed bag of emotions for many people…try to be sensitive to the emotional temperature of those in your life when you say something innocent like “Happy Mother’s day”. It may not be a happy day for them at all.
The special day of recognition for mothers is sometimes a painful one for those who have suffered loss. Perhaps they have lost a mother, daughter, grandmother or granddaughter. Mother’s Day can be a painful reminder of all that has been taken away. Throw into the mix those who have lost a child before it was born…they were mothers, but often people dont mention that, because they wish to avoid bringing up a painful subject. The avoidance of the subject of that lost pregnancy/child is hard because some people feel that because the child was not born that the woman is not a mother…not true. If a child was conceived, she was a mother and she should be recognized as one.
A woman who has aborted a child; and regrets it, lives with a special kind of pain. A pain that comes from a loss of their own choosing; sometimes the pain is one of guilt, other times, one of regret. There is no going back after an abortion; no undo moment. The emotional cost is high and must be addressed; often with professional help to cope with this holiday that is a reminder of a child that never actually lived outside of the womb. Even women who say that they are ok with the decision of having had an abortion, have the knowledge that a child existed, inside their body for a time.
For the infertile woman, mother’s day is a constant reminder of the emptiness of their womb…their grieving of the lost opportunity of motherhood is a pain that I can relate to…it is a relentless pain. The hope every month that it will be different this month or that one is measured by each passing mother’s day that does not get celebrated with a child of their own in their arms. If that infertile mother should choose to adopt…her arms may be filled; but, her heart and mind shares mother’s day with a woman who experienced the first 9 months of life with her child. Her mother’s day is one that began as the result of a gift of motherhood…a bittersweet gift of giving and receiving!
Think about women who have given a child up for adoption; even if they go on to have more children…there is sadness and a sense of loss, even if they still feel it was the right decision to place that child for adoption at the time. It is a grieving of sorts. There is sadness for the lost moments, the worry about the well being of the child that they brought into the world…and wonder about what could have been; and, if the will ever have the opportunity to know each other.
Lastly, think of the child who has lost their mother; that child can be a minor or it can be an adult child. When it comes to loss of a parent…we often still feel like a child when it comes to grieving. Children who lose a parent suffer a lifetime of lost moments. It affects all of their future relationships. Adult children who lose a parent also suffer…hopefully they will have experienced many years with their parent; to have a lifetime of memories to draw from when they need to.
No matter who you are, Mother’s Day will stir up memories and emotions based on past experiences. Mothers are our first go- to- person when it comes to forging a relationship. Mothers shape who we become. It is a priviledge and an honor to become a mother; one with many responsibilities and rewards. If a birth/adopted/foster mother is missing in your life, for any reason…all is not lost. You can find someone special to fill that mother role in your life. Dont compare one person to another…accept their role in your life as a person of value to you. Reach out to a nurturer…share your hearts hurts, desires, wishes and expectations…never hold back love and affection from someone who can return it in a healthy, sharing way.
I wish you joy, love, acceptance, peace, hope and respect on this Mother’s Day…may you be blessed with a giving/receiving relationship with a loving mother figure! If mother’s day has been a source of pain for you in the past; I hope that you can find a way to heal and to create something good to celebrate about Mother’s day.
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