Bullying is more complicated these days because of the way in which it is done; it is psychological, it is persistent, and it can include threats, violence, or even sexual threats.  Most people over the age of 40 remember the school bully…you know the one.  He/She was the person who everyone feared and gave a wide berth to just because he sought out and picked on those he/she knew for a fact that they could take on and win.  We all have had some relationship to that kind of person.   However, now it seems that there is a group mentality when bullying or persistent harassment starts up.

  Back when i was growing up you had one of two options…ignore that person and stay far away from them or “stand up to them” and work up your courage to go toe to toe.  Remember the childhood phrase that we were all taught…sticks and stones will break your bones but words will never hurt you?  That couldn’t be farther from the truth; we all know that words have the power to destroy a person’s self-worth and the value of that person in the eyes of others.

Everyday it seems that we hear about another child/teen/college student that has been bullied or cyber stalked and trash talked about.  Many of those cases either end in a suicide or a violent attack or even in some cases of extreme bullying…a retribution plan of attack on a school with a violent outburst.  Lives are ruined, hearts and minds are damaged; many individuals end up in prison because of bullying.

 A real danger is people who think that bullying is a normal part of growing up…it isn’t and it should not ever be allowed.  Making excuses and telling a victim of such behavior to just ignore it is equal to nullifying their experience with bullying…which in effect tells them that they are powerless to change their circumstance in a positive way.

There is a hopelessness about our young people.   Many of them, in a desperate need to feel something, are self mutilating, becoming promiscuous,  developing eating disorders, or diving into the world of drug/alcohol addictions in reaction to their feelings about themselves and their lack of proper treatment by others.   They have been conditioned to think that nothing is going to change for the better; so they feel angry, bitter, broken and depressed.

 Don’t fool yourself into thinking that it doesn’t affect you, your children, your grandchildren, or the children in your church or neighborhood.  It does; and things are getting desperate.  Kids feel threatened, they feel demeaned and they feel powerless…so, many of them will arm themselves and things escalate quickly.   This is good for no one.

Respect for themselves as well as others is important to fight bullying.  Finding mentors for our young people is helpful…getting involved in sports or extra curricular activities that give them an appropriate sense of pride in themselves and their involvement.  Community service that gives them a sense of personal value and connects them to others who recognize their strengths and talents.  Inspiring hope and promise for a future is what kids need.  Instead, we often find that our young people aren’t getting those important messages about themselves.

With all of the new technology, kids are able to be “connected” 24 hours a day to not only their friends; but also, to people who wish them harm.  This connection includes cell phones, cell phone pictures, texts, email, chat lines, websites and forums.   Kids live in the midst of a multi-media blitz in their lives in school and at home.  Pay attention to them closely; watch for any changes in behavior, attitude, relationships and moods.  It could be life and death-for them and anyone who is in their lives, personally and socially.

Don’t think, not my child, not my child’s friend or the kids in my youth group.  I’ve worked with kids most of my adult life; for well over 30 years and things have broken down.  Kids, even good ones have low self esteem, they are depressed, frightened and angry.   Many of them don’t feel loved (even when they are), they don’t feel valued, appreciated or listened to.  They feel trapped and alone or isolated…even when they are surrounded by friends and activities.  It is a recipe for disaster not to recognize the patterns or seeds of destruction.

In truth, it makes you want to build a fortress around them to protect them against those who seek them out to do them harm.  So what can a parent, an educator, a spiritual leader, a friend, or a sibling do to help those caught in the web of persistent bullying/stalking?

First of all, pay attention.  Listen closely, monitor things…set limits of exposure online.  Talk to them and their friends about situations of bullying in their school or social networks.  Document any kind of negative interaction…write it down, talk to the school administration, file a report, alert teachers, bus drivers, neighborhood watches to any kind of bullying or violent situations that may come up.  Create a network of awareness and prevention where you can.  Ask your school to bring in safety experts and relationship experts who are trained in these areas of concern. 

Expect there to be resistence from the powers that be.  Many of them will give lip service to the no tolerance rule of bullying…but never, EVER, let them talk you out of filing official reports or grievances.   Often a school will just expell a student for a short time as a discipline…never following up with corrective action such as counseling or conflict resolution.   Leadership must establish methods of dealing with this type of behavior in a constructive way. 

For the victims of bullying or school violence… it may be helpful to have some self-defense training, some skilled training about paying attention to their surroundings and who is in their direct physical environment; making judgement calls about making decisions about where to go and with whom.   Get restraining orders or personal orders of protection if you feel it is something necessary to the physical and emotional well-being of the victim.     In some cases, change schools or even in extreme cases…it is best to even move or send them to live with a relative temporarily-especially if there is gang involvement.   This is no small thing to overcome and you do not want a victim of bullying/violence to become a prisoner to fear in their everyday life.

Does that sound like an over-reaction?  I can assure you that it is not; don’t believe me?  Watch the news, listen to a mother or a father that has lost a child to school violence or bullying; they would do anything if they could go back and do something different.   Or maybe listen to the child who in reaction to the bullying, who took matters into his/her own hands and tried to retaliate only to end up in prison for years or for life.  That ought to convince you that taking drastic measures to protect your child or your family is a good thing.  You see, persistent bullying often spreads and becomes a contagious thing…affecting other family members or sometimes even others in the neighborhood.   It is serious, but things can be done to improve the situation; get good advice from law enforcement or safety experts on the matter.

Ok, remember that I mentioned that some of you wouldn’t make it this far because you think it doesn’t affect you.  These young people who are traumatized, or trained to protect themselves emotionally by closing off normal pathways of emotion, are going to grow up.  They are going to become doctors, lawyers, nurses, teachers and nursing home supervisors, counselors and so on.

If their standards of what is acceptable, in relation to inappropriate levels of behavior have been damaged, are you going to want them caring for your grandchildren in day care, or taking care of one of your loved ones in a hospital or nursing home setting?  If they have learned to accept that kind of treatment in their own life, they surely won’t recognize it as inappropriate behavior in relation to others like yourself.  

Please, love on the youth today build them up and help them to be strong individuals in a healthy way; care for them, listen to them, protect them through legal channels and through school policies.  You won’t regret being proactive in the name of what is right!

         Oh to be sure, there is excitement, a sense of accomplishment, joy, happiness, a burst of energy, a need to tell the world; but the flip side of that is fear, an intense worry about failure, bittersweet sadness/joy, unhappiness, lethargy/laziness, and a need to keep things a secret, in case it doesn’t work out.   After all, what if the thing I worked so hard for, so longed for, waited until i came of age for…doesn’t measure up…or worse, what if I blow it?  What if people find out that the very thing that i went after; I wasn’t equipped to do?

          Geez, Louise, somebody could expect something from me…such as success, accomplishment, and or an ability to change the world with my achievement.  Then what?  Oh the agony of getting there only to be frozen in the moment.  Hmmm what to do?

           This is the gift of living with purpose, with goals, with expectation…this is what many graduates are now experiencing.  Whether it be high school, college, or a milestone at work, or personal relationships; this big bowl of mixed emotions is served on a silver platter.   Here’s the thing, try to remember that not everything rests upon your achievement or failure…joy can be found on the journey as well.  You just never know where your journey is going to take you; and, some of the best things in life can be found on the little side trips that you dare to risk taking.

             I know it is hard; push through it anyway…you will be rewarded.  Your goal is in sight…and your path will be made clear from both the successes and the “failures” (I call them u-turns).  The trick is to just keep going…keep putting one foot in front of the other, look for things to enjoy along the way!   Continue learning, continue growing, continue exploring until you find your passion…that alone, will push you through any obstacle that plops itself down in your pathway!  Oh by the way, congratulations on whatever milestone you have hit…what’s next?  Whatever it is, go for it, enjoy it…learn from it and share it with the world!

        Bristol experienced a teen pregnancy, that resulted in the birth of her son Tripp, during Sarah’s campaign.  Bristol has been questioned as  a controversial role model because of her pregnancy.  She has been used as an example for both sides of the issue concerning teen pregnancy.  She is a Christian and of course, having premarital sex goes against traditional teachings.  She did, in fact, become pregnant and has been in the public limelight during that time.   She herself was not a public figure…her mother was; but, the family was put on stage during the campaign.   

           People have felt comfortable commenting on her situation; both pro and con.   Those who have supported Bristol have touted the fact that she chose to give birth to her son, as opposed to an abortion.  I too applaude that fact.  I also think that she is dealing with the reality of being a young, single mother.  She is lucky in the fact that both her parents, Sarah and Todd Palin are willing to help her out by supporting her and her son.  This is part of the equasion for many families who experience an unexpected teen pregnancy. 

          The realities are that not every teenager who finds themselves in the position of becoming a parent, at such a young age, has a stable home life; with parents who are willing to help them out and support them financially, or emotionally…let alone, enabling them to continue pursuing their education.  Many have to drop out of school to work to support their child or having to apply for financial aid through tax payer dollars.  It is a struggle in a variety of ways.   Not only are there educational concerns, financial, health, but also the social consequences; teen miss out on the carefree lifestyles that their friends are able to enjoy in their high school years once a child is born to them.

          Bristol has taken on the responsibility as a teen parent, while trying to complete her education.   During the campaign both she and her son’s father Levi Johnston were planning on getting married; they have since broken up.  In recent weeks, he has been giving interviews about private aspects of their relationship.    Bristol has said in interviews that it is best to abstain from having sex as a teen…however, she also said that it isn’t realistic.  On Good Morning America with Chris Cuomo today, she said that last comment was taken out of context.   While it is difficult to abstain, she said that there is no other way to 100% prevent pregnancy other than waiting to have sex.

        Since Bristol and Levi are no longer together, they are still trying to sort out how their relationship with one another and with their child will work.  Levi has taken his concerns and his complaints about visitation to the media.  Bristol’s family has set some guidelines about how that should happen; such as visiting with Tripp at the Palin’s home.  Levi has allegedly struggled with continuing his education and with employment issues as well as some potential legal issues regarding his mother-allegedly being arrested for drug charges. 

        As tragic as this family drama appears to be in some ways, they will find their way.  People around the world struggle with the same issues of visitation, custody, support, education, living conditions, financial stability…and developing and maintaining relationships. 

        While life conditions continue to change, as is normal in the life of a person coming out of their teen years into adulthood, they will have to adjust their expectations and responsibilities while they attempt to meet their own needs and that of their child.  Sometimes teen parents stay together and form a family that lives and grows together…others seperate and form lives seperate from each other.    New romantic and personal relationships are formed and must be adjusted to as potential parental figures come into the life of a child of teen parents.  These difficulties can be overcome and can be turned into a good solid foundational family system that works…but, it is something that must be continually encouraged for the well- being of everyone involved.  Of course, if teen pregnancy can be prevented this would be better for everyone involved.

          The Candies Foundation was formed back in June 2001.  They have used ambassadors who are popular and in the public eye.  I do think that they should make deliberate choices of people who dont promote sensual or sexualized images in their work outside of the Candies Foundation, since it is working towards preventing teen pregnancies.  To me, using people who have careers in the public eye who use some form of sensual/sexual appeal, such as in the music industry, movies or television, comes across as sending mixed messages.    The persuasive power that celebrity role models have on the teen population has a big impact on the behaviors of teens as they are growing up.

         I am sure there will continue to be controversy surrounding Bristol Palin’s choices, as she puts herself in this platform for public discussion on preventing teen pregnancies.   I hope that people remember not to try to politicize this issue; as the goal to prevent teen pregnancy should be across the board no matter what someone’s political views are.    I do think that it is admirable that she is tying to make something positive happen from her situation.   The real issue is though; whether teens will listen to and respect her viewpoint regarding their own choices about becoming sexually active.   What do you think?

         Many students have no issues with graduating.  They have been on task and up-to-date with their attendance and with their assignments.  For some students though, being on task with assignments and attendance is a real struggle.  Their grades may keep their diploma hanging in the balance.  This is a make or break moment. 

        Teachers have a name for this condition…it is called Senioritis.  Some seniors promote an i don’t care attitude, others develope an attitude of whatever happens happens, still others who are afraid of success/failure begin to obsess about every decision that they are in charge of making.  Then, there are those who crack under the pressure and panic…instead of pushing through the stress and asking for extra credit or seeking to make up missing work or opportunities…choose to drop out with only weeks left until graduation.  More often than not, they end up regretting that decision.

          Many factors play into how individuals choose to proceed.  People are an interesting mix of emotions and experiences.    We each make decisions and choices based on our emotional reactions to certain situations.  Experience plays into it as well; because, if we have had negative experiences with certain people or situations we make our decisions based on that; as well as, if the experience was positive…we may just let that influence our choice as well.    We take all of this information, that we have within ourselves, and use it to either be a self-starter or self motivator…or, we use it to sabotage ourselves by the choices that we make each and everyday.

        Parents understand the importance of this achievement of graduation.  We want that for our children.  Teachers would like to see their students graduate.  As young adults, there is a great struggle towards freedom and a sense of being in control.  For parents, it is also a struggle…giving up control and responsibility.   We can encourage, we can support and we can poke and prod to see a student follow through; however, no one can do it for the student.  It has to be their own personal responsibility.  That is why, when it is accomplished…there is a great celebration.   It is graduation day for both the parent and the student.

       Of course, both you and I know that being a self-starter or a self-sabotuer can apply to more people than just high school seniors.  However, this is one of the first steps into adulthood that a young person takes.  All parents and teachers can do is to help remove obstacles and create an environment that is supportive.   If seniors discover that they alone are in charge of the direction that their lives take, by the decisions that they make to be self motivated, then,  they will have put their feet on the path of success for any challenges that they may encounter in life.  Have you learned to be a self-starter or self-motivator?  What was your turning point in understanding this concept?

         The reason some people have been upset with Helen, over that interview, is that she seemed to down play the experiences.  She said there was no extreme violence, she was not hit…but rather, was locked in a room and made to have sex.  She did not file charges in those incidents.  She also said that if a man and a woman were about to get intimate and the woman changed her mind, and the man continued; that was indeed rape.  However, in that circumstance; she didn’t feel that a woman could then turn around and take that man to court for it.  Those are highly controversial remarks when taken individually or out of context.  To some people…those comments smack of judgementalism…that those situations aren’t worthy of prosecution of a person who sexually assaults another.  Those comments appear inflammatory to many folks.

         Most people are clear that if a stranger attacks another person and forces sexual relations…then that is rape.  It is true enough…it is.  But there are other forms of rape as well that aren’t as clearly defined for some people.

        If however, you apply Helen Mirren’s comments to the times, in which those assaults in her life took place; then, you need to understand the culture of that time as well.  Helen is 63 now…go back to when she would have been in her late teens/early adulthood…and that puts the alledged assaults in the early to mid 60′s when, she would have been a student. 

           What was happening during those years…there was a little something called the “sexual revolution” taking place…not to mention a whole sub culture of drug use and transient behaviors. That revolution turned upside down what was acceptable and what was unacceptable behavior.   Being held accountable by traditional guidelines of behavior for those involved in the subculture around the world…of drugs, sex, and rock & roll was not an easy thing to do.  Many people functioned in a haze.  Still, does that make rape…or “date rape” ok?  No it does not, not by any stretch of the imagination…all i am saying is that it added to the mixed messages young people were living with at the time.  Helen also goes on to say that she ”loved” coke (cocaine) but gave it up.  Was she implying that she was using drugs when these experiences happened?  I don’t know.

         There are cases of assault that even the victim questions whether it was rape or not because they may have been drugs or alcohol involved or the situation is unclear.  Here are some great ways to evaluate the situation: http://www.4woman.gov/FAQ/sexualassault.htm

        Filing police reports and following through with legal prosecution even when a person could identify his/her attacker has never been easy; because of fear of not being believed, fear of further abuse, fear of the stigma of having been raped, fear of being BLAMED for the attack.  What we need to remember is that no, means no.  We need to teach it to our young people as they grow up.  We need to reinforce it in our relationships.  We need to be clear about the messages that we transmit to people that we are in relationships with…friendships, acquaintances, romances, or just dating in general.

        Our media is plastered with sexual images, sexual innuendo, and sexualized music, fashion, and even our family entertainment; whether it be television, magazines, beauty pagents or other forms.   Our culture is sending messages to children that start sexualizing them from the very beginnings of life…and yet, we are not equipping them with emotional, behavioral or interpersonal skills to be sensitive to the nuances of changes in their relationships.  We are sending mixed messages; that is to say,  that everyone has a different hand book of rules for.  Most of us cannot read another person’s mind…so the only sure way to know what they are thinking and feeling is to ask.

         Now that school is starting back up…teenagers, pre-teens, elementary students as well as young adults in college need to know how to interact with one another…what is that other person’s body language saying?  Does their body language match their words?  Does it match their actions?  Do they know how to communicate verbally with others in a way that can be clear, and upfront about defining the expectations in their relationship?

          Know your son or daughter’s personality strengths and weaknesses.  Teach them to respect the emotions and the decisions of others.  Teach them not to bully or coerce others into doing what they want from a young age…you can even start with sharing toys.   There have to be consequences for infractions from early on in life or they won’t understand that as they mature.

           As our young people grow; we need to make them aware of sensitivity to the emotional ups and downs in relationships.  Both young men and women need to be taught to communicate clearly their feelings; and, to respect those of others.  They need to be watched closely in the early dating years for any changes that would indicate physical abuse, emotional abuse, or sexual abuse or coercion in their relationships with the opposite sex.  Parents must be willing to step in and help to intervene in relationships that are unhealthy.

         Each of us grows up with different family values and different levels of interactions in relationships with others.  What someone might consider pushing or manipulating others; another person might mearly consider their behavior as just being assertive.  Personalities play a huge part in how words or actions are interpeted. 

          If your son or daughter is meek and mild…they may or may not be pushed into a deeper relationship than they are ready for.  Someone who is outspoken or direct may not realize that the other person is feeling cornered and without choices.  This is where being sensitive to the needs and wants of others is important.  It is never ok to make someone feel that their wants or needs do not count.  When it comes to intimacy between people…they need to be of legal age of consent, they need to want the same level of intimacy as their partner, and, it is important to have verbal consent to the intimate relationship as well.  Otherwise, the sexual intimacy could be considered as rape/date rape/acquaintance rape. 

         It is often said that those conversations are uncomfortable…and they are.  So are conversations about safe sex, birth control, and pregnancy!  Still, they are conversations that human beings must be comfortable in having with one another if they are going to begin a sexually intimate relationship with another person.  Otherwise they are not ready to have a sexual relationship at all.

          Mixed signals of communication; verbal communication, body language, and emotional interactions are what allows people to be confused when sexual interactions take place that one of the partners feels was against their will.  That is when things go from having a relationship… to being raped, in a dating or acquaintance relationship. 

        How many news stories do we hear during the year of, he said/she said, in regards to a disputed sexual incident?  Too often is the answer.  We need to be more clear when in those situations.  It doesn’t even matter whether the people involved are 18 or 81… clear communication has to take place to prevent unwanted sexual activity. 

         Now, when clear communication has taken place and sexual activity has been forced on a person…that is very clearly rape.  The victim of sexual assault may or may not file charges…that is very definately, a personal choice.  But, when and if, a victim reports the abuse…it has to be taken seriously.  That is why; when we hear about false allegations on the news…it damages people who truly have been victimized.  Each time a false claim is brought to the attention of the public…it creates a perception of doubt, anger and fear.  That is not ok…we need to be supportive of the victim.

        When a legitimate victim of rape is going through the “legal system” and or healing process…they are dealing with so much more than the trauma of the assault itself.  They deal with their own perceptions of the attacker, the support systems in their own lives, and the public’s perceptions if the assault happens to make the evening news.  It is a very difficult situation all the way around.  Many victims of sexual assault just don’t want to deal with it.  No one can tell them what to do…they have to make that decision; because, they are the ones who will be dealing with everything that goes along with the follow through process.

         Rape is wrong whether it be stranger, acquaintance, or date rape.  There is help available for those affected by rape.     National Sexual Assault Hotline 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)   or visit out this site:   http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/ovc/help/rape.htm or even your local woman’s shelter for help.