Some of those trials and challenges have been self made and others are of the variety that that seem to be the result of stumbling around in the darkness looking for the light switch only to step in someone else’s mess…you know the kind of mess…the kind that you need to scrape off of the bottom of your shoe.  There are repercussions and consequences in each of those situations and at times, all seems lost and hopeless.  It is hard not to let it affect you if you are a caring person who can’t bear to see those you love suffering.

I have to keep reminding myself to keep my eyes off of the situation…keep my eyes looking towards God and his power to work through all situations.  That is not an easy thing to do when things are desperate and have such steep valleys to get through.  

Our human minds can only see the small puzzle pieces before us…especially the difficulties; we usually seem incapable of seeing the larger picture or outcome, from any given situation.  It is overwhelming to not be able to see into the future.  We sometimes think that we can avoid the pain and dissappointments that life will eventually throw our way… in fact, most of us would choose to opt out of the more severe situations; choosing instead to surf the crest of  ONLY the good times. 

If all that we experience in life was perfect and rosy how would we know to value those same perfect things…we would have nothing to compare it to.   Our human nature would never let us know the depth of pain, loss, isolation or injustice.   Nor would we learn on whom to depend in those times of despair.   God is always there, ready and willing to guide us and lift the burden from our hearts and minds. 

We only need to remember this and surround ourselves with others who understand that; so that when we are buried under the crush of each tragedy and heartbreak,  and can’t seem to find a way to pray and dig our way out…we can learn to count on those who can, and will support us, to help us find the light in the darkness. 

It is all about growth and compassion…connecting with others.  We all have had burdens to bear at one time or another.  How much easier is it to go through those times when we are feeling supported by compassionate people?  Listening skills are important and so is a willingness to weather the storm with another person. 

Do you know someone who is struggling in some kind of darkness or difficulty?  How can you shine a light in the midst of what they are going through?  Do you struggle with what to say or do?  Most of us do, but still for those who feel surrounded by the darkness; any attempt to shine a light is appreciated and considered a lifeline in the midst of a storm. 

A kind word, a card or letter, a phone call or an action taken meant to reduce the difficulty that another is going through can be a huge light in the darkness.   These are the things that a person struggling remembers after the darkness.  Risk reaching out in your relationship with others and become a light of encouragement to someone today…you will be surprised how much of a positive impact it can have.

         People share recipes online, learn about parenting skills from one another, they shop online, they listen to music and they “go to the movies” by watching movies online; believe it or not…people even do business together in theses places!   These are the things people used to do together with people that they knew in their community.  Everyone sort of knew everyone else in their own communities; that is not how it is these days.   Today, some people have never even met their next door neighbor, let alone spent time developing a deeper relationship.

          We’ve really become much too busy these days in our society; and by doing so, we have isolated ourselves from a crucial need to connect with one another; and, to communicate in a way that helps us to feel as if we are still woven in the fabric of a  small community, where people know you and care about you.    This is why social media sites or blogs and mini-sites such as Twitter are so popular.  I have to say that it is no less important to create relationships in this way as opposed to the traditional way.  One just has to remember to be a little more careful about sharing personal, private information. 

         Online, you can’t hear the tone of voice of the people you communicate with; nor can you see their body language or judge the interpersonal relationships that they have with the real life people involved with them.   The appearance of these sites gives the impression of a small, close knit community…but in reality, the internet encompasses the whole world.   You can be fooled into thinking that you “know” someone online.   It feels easy in some ways to develop and emotional closeness to the people you communicate with online.   It is important to remember that you  ONLY know what that person wants you to know about them.  Be careful.  There are some ways to protect yourself,  if you can just remember to do so.

          First off…you can take your time in developing your communication with people online.  There is no time frame that determines how quick you must make a decision about which friends deserve your trust; you don’t have to develop a relationship with everyone who reaches out to you.   Have you ever met someone in person and thought they were great to be around, only to get to know them better and wish you had never met?  Well this can happen online too.  Some people don’t respect boundaries and are not healthy to interact with.   In fact… you do not have to continue to interact with someone online if you choose not to.   So don’t be too quick to give out your email,  or your home phone number, and never give out your physical address.   If you do “talk” with someone…really listen to what they say…not only to you, but to others online.  Connect with some of their other online relationships.   You can learn alot from watching how someone interacts with others online when they don’t know you are there.  Do not rush into meeting someone online…especially do not meet them alone; even if they live in your area!  This is important. 

         Do not share personal identifying information with them about your daily life.  People have found themselves in serious danger or trouble with someone who didn’t respect appropriate boundaries.  Keep things light…keep them simple.  Have fun…but, never forget to be safe in your online relationships.  You will meet many wonderful people on the internet.  There are so many interesting people out there, doing wonderful things; and, they are talking about important events and sharing knowledge with one another.  Just think of each of these blogs, mini-blogs and social networking sites as neighborhoods.   Every neighborhood has its plusses and it has its minuses…but, online there isn’t the safety net of an online neighborhood watch!   Dont be too quick to trust others that you’ve only known online.  You must remember to take common sense precautions and protect yourself while you are chatting up the neighborhood.

       Communities often have several Hospice services…finding one that provides the care that meets the needs of the patient and their family is important.  Preparing proper medical, emotional and spiritual care during this time in a person’s life is important.  If you think that someone you care about is in need of Hospice care; talk to their doctor.  Place a call to the local Hospice offices to see which one will offer the type of services that is needed, for your loved one. 

        When a person is in need of Hospice care, they need to feel in control of some of the decisions affecting the quality of their life.   They may have questions regarding treatment or pain management.   They need to be treated with dignity and respect.  They may need help working through grief/loss issues.   The patient (or their family members) may have questions regarding spirituality and what happens after the patient passes.    Hospice is a service that provides help, at a time, when most patients and family members feel lost, alone and fearful. 

      Finding a Hospice is not difficult.  You can check here:  http://www.nationalhospicefoundation.org/

       Domestic abuse is like cancer…it is constantly trying to destroy the people involved.  It is a pattern of behavior that affect both the abuser and the person being abused.  Many who are being abused do not recognize that what is happening in their lives is actually domestic abuse.  The reasons for their lack of understanding, or denial are many. 

        It may be that their self-esteem has been worn down by the abuser or others in their life; before their relationship with the person doing the abusing.  It may be embarassment of their situation; it could be fear of what happens next; if they admit that they are being abused.  It could simply be, that they do not understand that the things that are hurting them or making them feel badly about themselves, is abuse.  Another part of the equasion is that often those who are suffering domestic abuse are dependent either emotionally, physically, or financially on the person who is abusing them.  They may feel trapped or feel that they dont deserve any better treatment in their lives.

         Getting help for those who are in a domestic abuse situation is not always simple.  There is often danger involved for the person being abused, or that person’s children or loved ones.  Sometimes, there is a lack of education or an inability to financially support themselves.  There are many organizations that are willing to help…but, even just reaching out to the victims of domestic abuse can be difficult or dangerous. 

           You see, something as simple as what i did today, to write this blog post on domestic abuse, can get someone hurt.  I did a little research on my personal computer.  Computer histories can be checked by an abuser…leaving the person on the receiving end of the abuse in danger of more violence.  Often times, those who are suffering are isolated from their friends and family.  

         That isolation is no accident.   This is done so that the person being abused has to depend on the abuser; also, so that they do not have anywhere else to turn when they are in need.   They are not left alone very much.  There is not much opportunity to share with others that they are in trouble.  Shame is a big part of what happens because they are sometimes warned that they won’t be believed; that they deserve what happens to them because of something that they did or did not do to the abusers way of thinking.  Control issues are really at the core of the relationship…the abuser must feel in control of the relationship; because, when they feel threatened, that is when the violence escalates.

        Many times without meaning to enable the abuser who abuses them…the victim will cover for them or make excuses about visible injuries.  An abuser will blame the victim, or apologize profusely in the beginning…until the patterns of abuse increase in frequency or intensity.  The beatings, the verbal abuse, the sexual abuse, the strict controls of freedom get worse with each incident that they “get away” with.  Ending an unhealthy relationship with an abuser is often when the person being abused (or those they care about) are in the most danger.  That is because the person doing the abusing feels like things are getting out of his/her control.  This is an important thing to remember…there must be a safety plan in place if and when someone is ready to leave a dangerous relationship.  This involves consulting with the police, shelters, counselors, friends and family. 

        The nature of these relationships is sometimes rooted in denial…the person promises to get help to get the person back into the relationship and the patterns of abusive behaviors begin all over again; only they are often more intense.  Children who are raised in the midst of these relationships will probably struggle to have healthy relationships themselves as they grow up.  The cycle continues to affect the next generation until in some families…it becomes normal or acceptable.

         These are all reasons why we must start with our children; we must teach them about domestic abuse and how to recognize it; and, how to avoid it.  Early on in the dating years, there must be open communication between parent and child about what to watch out for.  They must feel safe in dating relationships; and, feel comfortable enough with their parents to confide if something doesn’t feel right with the person that they are dating.  Don’t allow unhealthy relationships to continue without seeking help or intervention by experienced professionals.

         Abuse starts in secret, it grows in secret and it kills & destroys in secrecy; if  the patterns of abuse are not understood, confronted, treated with counseling and by changing behaviors of triggers and responses.  Recognizing the seeds of domestic abuse in an early relationship can very well save the life of someone you love.  Breaking the cycle of abuse can be done…but it will require many things such as honesty, help, education, counseling and compassion. 

          Stress caused by financial difficulties, drug/alcohol use and abuse, job loss, previous issues with abuse/violence, low self-esteem issues, controlling behaviors, emotional, physical, or financial dependency that is out of balance can all contribute to situations of domestic abuse. 

           Some people will say…why should I care…domestic abuse doesn’t affect me…I will say to that person you are wrong.  It affects us all.   How many people in prison are there, because of domestic violence or it’s aftermath; your tax dollars pay for that.  How many children of domestic abuse end up in foster care; your tax dollars pay for that.   What if your sibling, parent or child enters into an abusive relationship; or your grandchildren are born into it?  Does this not affect you?

           You may or may not have an up-close-and-personal experience with domestic abuse…however, you may have a friend, a child, a parent, a neighbor…a teacher of your child….maybe the bus driver that drives you across town may be affected by domestic abuse; these situations spill over often onto innocent by-standers.  Sometimes the victim will protect the abuser out of a mis-guided sense of loyalty, love, respect or trust; to keep them from getting into trouble; the problem is…protecting them from consequences also keeps them from getting help!

          How would you react in a situation where things get out of control around you?  Would you know what to do if someone confided in you that they were experiencing domestic abuse?  What if the violence, emotional cruelty/verbal abuse took place in your presence…would you know how to react appropriately?  What if domestic abuse is happening to someone you care about?  We must awaken to the many ways that domestic abuse affects us all; and learn how to be a part of the solution!  What can you do to be a part of the solution?

        Want to learn more?  See: http://www.ndvh.org/get-educated/what-is-domestic-violence/ or http://www.nicolebrown.org/index.html or check out your local shelters for victims of domestic abuse to see how you can help by donating your time, old cell phones,  your skills, money or by helping to educate others to the dangers of domestic abuse!

       I listen to my mother say that she is not going to get worked up until she talks with the doctor about the results.  In general, I agree with that.   My mother is pretty much a positive thinker, which is a great thing.

         My father is cut out of a different cloth.  He automatically thinks negatively; he can’t seem to help it.  His mind goes to the worst case scenerio.  It is experience related…he has had the worst case scenerio happen to him before…so he just expects that to be his luck.   Both mom and dad will be meeting up with their respective cancer doctors before the first week of January is over.

          I am a product of both of my parents.  I am at times a positive thinker….and at times, automatically hit the negativity zone.  I don’t like it that that is true; but, it is honest.  I work hard attempting to focus on the positives.

           The problem is…fear.  I fear hearing the situations that they are facing will possibly return them to the medical world of tests, surgeries, treatments, complications, and hospitalizations.  This is a world that is both isolating and overwhelming, with people.    I realize that that sounds contrary….but, it isn’t.  

     You are surrounded with people in the medical field….this specialist, that oncologist, the anestesiologist (sp?), the radiologist, the pharmacist, the dietician, the family doctor, the nurses, the insurance company…the list goes on and on.  The isolation comes when you must seperate yourself from the general population because of the possibility of infection.  The isolation that the patient feels when heading in for the surgery or the treatment…no-one else can do those things for them.  It is in isolation that fear takes root and does it’s dirty work.  Discouragement can set in…thwarting all of the good and positive things that are at work in the healing process.

     The thing is, once you have been a survivor…your history can limit treatments.  It can also be eye opening to the types of situations you may be facing this time around.  My mother has  developed conditions that can be life threatening, since the last time around.  Both my mother and father had difficult side effects and complications from their various treatments, in the past.

     I am a firm believer that God is in control of everything.  I don’t claim to understand the mind of God.  But, i know that he allows things to happen that are very difficult to go through.  If left to our own devices…most human beings would opt out of the difficult things and shoot straight for the easy path…myself included.  My head knows that much can be learned during these hard moments in life…that God has things for us to gain in those moments.  I know he has things to be accomplished during those moments…he puts people in our path for us to connect with and to share with.  We will do our best to bring glory to his name throughout.  For he is worthy of praise in all things.

        So, I will work at praying that God will have mercy…that he will guide and direct us as we face these additional challenges.  I will ask for wisdom, clarity, patience, faith, courage, strength, healing, financial blessings, and any area of lacking; that we may need to overcome in the face of these trials.  

       What i am thankful for, is that we don’t have to pray for love or sharing; or, willing family members to help out.  We are blessed in those areas.  We are a family that knows how to support one another; and, whoever is in need around us, at the time.   Roomates have often been the recipients of the overflow of our big family.  There have been roomates that had no one to look out for them…they were alone in their journey.  My family is nurturing in nature.   I am thankful for that compassionate part of our family. 

     I am thankful for those in the medical community who also have compassion, skill, knowledge and who are sensitive in the way that they go about promoting healing to their patients and their family members.  They are our allies in the war that has been declared on our loved ones..they are on the front lines of battle trying to help our loved ones to have a full and healthy life; so we pray for all of them who will have contact with us.  We respect their skill and dedication.

     We have so much to be thankful for…and, we are.  Are we greedy to wish for health and financial blessings to meet the demands put on the family as we go thru these things?  I don’t think so.   I know that God has a purpose; I pray that we realize it and make the most of it as he would desire us to do.  I am just selfish enough to wish, as Jesus did on the cross, that this cup would pass from out of our hands; if God so desires. 

         Again…the line blurrs between faith and fear that these medical challenges may not pass from us!

         This week is National Suicide Prevention Week.  It is important to bring the message of hope and restoration.  Hurting people need to have a reason to live; they need to know that someone cares and is listening to them.  Those same people need human intervention to help them when they are vulnerable.   It is crucial to educate the public on ways to observe and interact with individuals who are struggling in their life and may be at risk for a suicide attempt.  People experiencing loss, loneliness, physical or mental health problems, financial problems, depression or isolation are at risk.   Every life has value and is worth saving!  Won’t you take a few minutes to learn more? http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

          Loss is one thing; that is bad enough…but, add to that… justifiable feelings of abandonment, anger, denial, financial distress, shame, isolation, shock and even rage for being rejected by the loved one; for something as unknown and final as death, many times without any warning that suicide was being considered. 

           It is a hard subject to talk about because studies often have shown a correlation to discussions about suicide and the rates of suicides that have increased after say a media interview or article that is published in a large viewership.  So how do you address such a terrible thing as suicide without taking the risk of an outbreak of suicides?  I am not sure…but i do know…that listing some of the signs or risk factors is important…because it is possible to at least become aware of some signals that may alert friends or family to a person who is contemplating taking their own life.  1-800-273-TALK.
www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/  

            Some of the obvious signs are:  sudden changes in personality or behaviors, drug or alcohol use, life changes such as loss of job or marriage, verbal comments such as life isn’t worth living…, depression, neglecting personal well-being or appearance, loss of interest in things the person previously enjoyed, extreme mood swings, sleeping excessively, giving away precious things, avoiding close friends or family, isolating themselves, gaining or loosing noticeable weight without trying, lack of effort at school or job, listless, a feeling of hopelessness or failure, lots of negative or sad comments, focussing on negative circumstances and obsessing about them.

             There are times when people are more at risk than others, for some it is during their teenaged years if they struggle with acceptance and sometimes depression, for others it is in middle age when possible sudden life changes are perceived as failures or loss such as divorce or forclosure, the elderly are often at risk of suicide because of health issues, isolation from friends and family and many times because of financial issues.   It is important to remember that some medications carry the risk of increased thoughts of suicide…so talk to your doctor about these issues if there is any concern at all.

            All ages and sexes are at risk of a potential suicide.  People must get better at listening to each other; and, they need to stay connected by communication on a regular basis.  No one wants to think of friends or family doing the unthinkable; but, it can happen to anyone. 

            Many people try to respect people’s privacy and back off when in fact, it is at these times that they are needed more than ever.  Fear of not knowing what to say or do is common.  When in doubt…it is always best to contact a professional.    Here is a national hotline to contact if you or someone you know is dealing with the idea or fear of suicide:   1-800-273-TALK.
www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

                The impact of suicide is long lasting on those survivors who are left behind.  Every life that can be saved is a gift…every person has value.  We must begin to find ways to open the opportunities to share with one another the hurts and disappointments in life and find ways of overcoming the effects of those things in our lives and in the lives of people that we care about.  Do you know someone who was able to turn the corner and avoid the tempation of suicide?  How did they do it?  Do they share with others about their experience?  Many people in schools, nursing homes, and professionals in your local communities could benefit from that knowledge so that they can help others.  How can those experiences benefit others?

        Then today, someone else that i care about deeply…has decided to once again go up for a heaping dose of all you can eat at the salad bar of pain and abuse.  Taking a little taste of negativity, nibbling on a chunk of guilt large enough to choke a horse, a dip of put downs and innuendo, a spoonful of diced self esteem, add a sprinkling of despair, a serving sized dollop of loneliness, add a slice of isolation, a bowl of anger, and lets not forget a huge serving of accusation.  Hey, you’ve already paid the price…there is no limitation on how much you can have…it is there if you only want more. 

         Why, you have a relative smorgasboard of pain and misery….why not go back for more so that you are so bloated that you can no longer function with any semblence of happiness or healthy well being!!!  Remember the fear, the desperation, the sadness, the lacerating words, the shutting out of communication when it doesn’t go the other person’s way?  How could you forget the psychological pressure of being told there are no problems…it is all in your head?  Remember the humiliation?  Remember being controlled on every level until you doubted your own ability to make good decisions?   Remember the feeling of being used, snuck up on , being lied to?  Remember the invasion of your privacy…you know…the pilfering of your phone conversations, the rifling of your private papers, the behind the scenes scare tactics of telling others that the other person was afraid you were loosing it?  Remember the sexual addictions?  Remember locked rooms that you weren’t allowed into?  Remember the other person’s ex’s “having all kinds of personal problems” before you found yourself one of the “ex’s”?   Remember the depression and suicidal thoughts?  Surely, your mind remembers…even if your heart doesn’t!

           You were able to break away once…it took courage; but you did it!  Dont be manipulated again.  You weren’t shaking in anxiety and fear anymore.  You could breathe freely.  You didn’t have to justify every little thing to another person.  You were starting to take pride in yourself again.  You had health on your side once again.  You had the divorce decree in your hands. 

          Is it not possible to learn from our mistakes?  Are we destined to keep coming back for more punishment?  Do we need to get bloated on our gluttony for self destruction by continuing to wallow in relationships that are not good for us?  Ahhhh…if only they could experience a relationship that didn’t dwell on negative, hurtful, destructive emotion and actions…then, maybe they would never be tempted to step back into the cesspool!!! 

           Life is too short to live in abuse and neglect…come on over to the other side; i want to shout…or at the very least…whisper in their ear while they sleep; planting a hynotic suggestion that will insure happiness and peace for the rest of their life. 

           Besides…why do the rest of us have to be subjected at every opportunity for togetherness to sit across a room and look a the face and person of so much poison?  If you are choosing to self-destruct…at least do it out of my line of vision…even though i love you…i can’t save you from yourself and poor choices.  Please remember that your true self that doesn’t deserve such treatment; you are more valuable than that.